I have obtained a draft of a collective bargaining agreement that is to be submitted to the city council on behalf of the common activated sludge microorganisms employed at the city’s Rio de Flag Water Reclamation Plant.
The attorney for the microorganisms, Hiram N. Scroom, of the law firm Dewey, Scroom & Howe, crafted the agreement. Citing the role sludge microorganisms play in the daily reclamation of four million gallons of wastewater, Mr. Scroom told this reporter, “As city employees, the contributions of these microorganisms have been ignored for years. If the city wants to avoid a strike by these little fellas, then I suggest they take a close look at what’s on the table.”
A Collective Bargaining Agreement Between the City of Flagstaff and Common Activated Sludge Microorganisms Union
That in order to increase the general efficiency and maintain the existing harmonious relationship between the city and the bacteria, fungi, protozoa, and rotifers employed as activated sludge microorganisms (hereinafter referred to as the Sludge), at the Rio de Flag Water Reclamation Plant, it is hereby agreed as follows:
The city hereby recognizes the Sludge as the sole and exclusive bargaining agent with respect to wage, hours, and conditions of employment for all bacteria, fungi, protozoa, and rotifers as certified by the Board of Labor Relations.
HOURS OF WORK, OVERTIME AND PREMIUM PAY
The normal days of work shall be Monday through Sunday. Plant operators will set individual hours. A single-celled organism may work a flexible schedule with the approval of a multi-celled organism. Further, the number of hours of work and the length of the workday for salaried protozoa shall be dictated by the time necessary to complete the denitrification of incoming effluent.
Microorganisms covered by this Agreement are broken into two (2) categories: aerobes and anaerobes.
Aerobe microorganisms will receive oxygen, computed at the rate of one and one-half times the volume required to sustain life.
Anaerobe microorganisms do not require oxygen, so they shall not be compensated.
Activated sludge microorganisms never take a holiday.
Activated sludge microorganisms never take a vacation.
The city believes in a fair and progressive disciplinary process for all microorganisms. All disciplinary actions shall be applied in a fair manner and shall not be inconsistent with the infraction for which the disciplinary action is being applied.
Disciplinary action shall normally include: Oral warning; written warning; deprivation of oxygen for aerobic microorganisms, and exposure to direct sunlight for anaerobic microorganisms; discharge with secondary effluent.
All suspensions and disciplinary actions shall be documented in writing.
No microorganism shall be deprived oxygen or exposed to direct sunlight except for just cause.
All common activated sludge microorganisms employed at the Rio de Flag Water Reclamation Plant, including bacteria, fungi, protozoa, and rotifers, shall eligible for the basic city employee pension: as long as they live, the city guarantees to keep them in darkness and feed them effluent.