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We have always assumed that you would be satisfied with your purchase. However, we realize that there is just no pleasing some people. So, we have developed a liberal return policy and publish it on the back of every receipt in small faint letters, just like this one.

We will issue a refund in the form and amount of the original tender paid (including sales tax) in the currency of the customer’s preference (U.S. legal tender excluded) or we will issue a merchandise credit at the customer’s choice, when each of the following conditions has been met:

1. Customer can sing all six verses of “Silent Night” in Swahili over the store public address system in sixty seconds or less;

2. Merchandise bears no fingerprints or DNA samples belonging to customer or anyone in customer’s immediate family;

3. Merchandise must be accompanied by an affidavit bearing the names of three persons unrelated to customer confirming that customer does not now, nor has ever, worn flannel to a midnight mass;

4. Customer must pass a sobriety test that will include solving two pre-calculus problems and dropping into a freestanding plié while stacking a gross of canned peas at the end of aisle nine.

5. Customer submits to a polygraph test to confirm the truth of customer’s claim that customer does truly despise Justin Bieber and customer really doesn’t know why their cousin gave a copy of his latest CD, except that said cousin hates customer almost as much as exchanging gifts;

6. Customer presents a note from gift-giver endorsing the return of item or items. In the case of apparel returns, note must also include an apology from gift giver for exhibiting such abominable taste and total disregard for the styles preferred by customer, as well an apology for the fuss and bother associated with returning items to this store.

All returns and exchanges must be new, unused, and contain all original packaging and accessories. The picture on the box should be sufficient to determine whether gift is appropriate. Opening the package without regard to the minimum-wage personnel who will have to repackage it and make it presentable to the next poor schmuck who buys it is just darned inconsiderate.

Some items cannot be returned if opened, including pocket knives, doors, Virginia baked hams, piñatas, salted nuts, cat litter, and collectibles such hotel desk pens, lint, and premasticated gum samplers.

Some objects are subject to a 15 percent restocking fee, including elephant nose cozies, digital fingers, portable turkey ovens and electronic hair pieces. Other restrictions may apply and could prohibit accepting returns from left-handed males, males wearing moo-moos, golfers, aunts, uncles and grandparents; no returns on weekdays ending in “y;” no clothing returns if only to enforce a better fashion sense.

Holiday and seasonal merchandise on clearance at the time of return will be refunded after midnight.

Any purchase made by check may be refunded as an invitation to the store’s Christmas party next year. Not.

Thank you for shopping at our store.

Happy Holidays from all of us to all of you.

Keep your receipt.

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