We don’t have home movies in my family . . . we have People’s Exhibit A.—Christopher Titus

You can learn many things from children . . . how much patience you have, for instance.—Franklin Jones

Parents: the one thing children wear out faster than shoes.—Anonymous

I love little children, but they are like piñatas full of urine.—Blair Butler

Children in a family are like flowers in a bouquet: there’s always one determined to face in an direction opposite from the way the arranger desires.—Marcelene Cox

Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tastes better the day before.—Rita Rudner

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He said, “I don’t know kid; there’s so many places they can hide.”—Rodney Dangerfield

When I was 10, my family moved to Downers Grove, Illinois; when I was 12, I found them.—Emo Phillips

There is no reciprocity. Men love women; women love children; children love hamsters.—Alice Thomas Ellis

I have two boys, 5 and 6 . . . we’re no good at naming things in our house.—Ed Byrne

The cool part about naming your kid is you don’t have to add six numbers to make sure the name is available.—Bill Murray

I don’t know who my grandfather was; I’m much more concerned to know who his grandson will be.—Abraham Lincoln

I used to walk into a party and scan the room for attractive women; now I look for women to hold my baby so I can eat potato salad sitting down.—Paul Reiser

I’m adopted, and I’m glad that my parents were honest enough with me to tell me I’m adopted, but why every day?—Leo Allen

The best time to give advice to your children is while they are still young enough to believe you know what you’re talking about.—Anonymous

You don’t have favorites among your children, but you do have allies.—Zadie Smith

The worst waste of breath, next to playing a saxophone, is advising a son.—Kin Hubbard

Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they had nothing to do with it.—Haim Ginott

Now the thing about having a baby — and I can’t be the first person to have noticed this — is that thereafter you have it.—Jean Kerr

Many children threaten at times to run away from home — this is the only thing that keeps many parents going.—Phyllis Diller

Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.—Johnnie Casson

When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.—Nora Ephron

I wish to thank my parents for making it all possible . . . and my children for making it all necessary.—Victor Borge

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