The annual convention of Humorists, Authors, Columnists, and Kibitzers was held recently at the Bronze Nougat Hotel and Casino. The conference program included the following advice that might benefit more than just my fellow HACKs.

It’s morally wrong to let a sucker keep his money.—W.C. Fields

Look around the table. If you don’t see a sucker, get up and leave, because you’re the sucker.—Slim’s Rule

Scobe’s Fourth Law: The smoke in the casino always drifts toward the nonsmoker, regardless of which way the air conditioner is blowing.

The difference between playing the stock market and playing the horses is that one of the horses must win.—Henry Adams

First of all, if you are gambling and you’ve gotta get change for a nickel — it’s over.—Clinton Jackson

Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing from something.—Wilson Mizner

One of the worst things that can happen to you in life is to win a bet on a horse at an early age.—Danny McGoorty

My idea of gambling was walking through Central Park whistling show tunes.—Tommy Tunes

If you bet on a horse, that’s gambling. If you bet you can make three spades, that’s entertainment. If you bet cotton will go up three points, that’s business. See the difference?—Blackie Sherrod

The only sure thing about luck is that it will change.—Brett Harte

The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling.—Ambrose Bierce

True luck consists not in holding the best of the cards at the table; luckiest is he who knows just when to rise and go home.--John Milton Hay

I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.—Mitch Hedberg

No wife can endure a gambling husband, unless he is a steady winner.—Thomas Dewar

A racetrack is where windows clean people.—Danny Thomas

Depend on the rabbit’s foot if you will, but remember it didn’t work for the rabbit.—R.E. Shay

How do you get a sweet little old lady to say @#$%? Get another sweet little old lady to yell BINGO!—Unknown

I think one of the most interesting things about poker is that once you let your ego in, you’re done for.—Al Alvarez

I was playing poker with Tarot cards the other night. I got a full house and four people died.—Unknown

If you shut your door to all errors, truth will be shut out.—Rabindranath Tagore

I’m going to the casino tonight. I hope I break even. I need the money.—Unknown

Illusion is the first of all pleasures.—Oscar Wilde

It’s better to make people think you are a bad poker player, than to play and remove all doubt.—Michael Gersitz

Last year people won more than one billion dollars playing poker. And casinos made $27 billion just being around those people.—Unknown.

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