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The American Chemical Society, according to a recent article in The Wall Street Journal, attempted to answer the question every parent has wielded as fact: “how much Halloween candy would it take to kill someone?” You can read that article elsewhere, but for someone of my, ahem, stature, a fatal doze of candy would be 262 fun-size candies consumed in one sitting, or one evening of binge-viewing of Friday Night Lights. This afternoon, I’ve got a little wiggle room . . . but not much. Curse those big bags of chocolate on the end caps of everywhere.

My daily walk today was a little more challenging than usual, so I took a rest on a park bench beside a seven-year-old boy who was busy eating a chocolate bar. I thought he might benefit from the wisdom of my years and I said, “You know, chocolate is bad for you.” The little lad looked up at me and said, “My great-grandfather lived to be one hundred and five.” To which I replied, “And he ate that much chocolate?” He said, “No, he minded his own business.”

I left the little cherub to his treat and limped home. I had chocolate on the brain, however, so I drove over to the local ice cream shop. I hobbled inside to the counter and ordered a chocolate sundae. The proprietor said, “Crushed nuts?” I said, “No, bad knees.”

There is more to life than chocolate, but not right now.--Anonymous

When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.—Regina Brett

My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.—Rodney Dangerfield

If God gives you chocolate, you open your mouth, no?—Alejandro Jodorowksy

I owe it all to little chocolate donuts.—John Belushi

Any sane person loves chocolate.—Bob Greene

If you have melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating too slowly.—Unknown

Forget love, I’d rather fall in chocolate.—Anonymous

There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.—Linda Grayson

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of M&M’s and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.—Dave Barry

I’d give up on chocolate, but I’m no quitter.—Anonymous

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Anything is good if it is made of chocolate.—Jo Brand

What you see before you, my friend, is a lifetime of chocolate.—Katherine Hepburn

Caramels are only a fad. Chocolate is a permanent thing.—Milton Hershey

Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done today.—Anonymous

Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands—and then eat just one of those pieces.—Judith Viorst

All I really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.—Charles Shultz

Halloween is Tuesday. Chocolate eaters, let’s be careful out there. Oh, and watch for traffic, too.


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