I have obtained a draft of a collective bargaining agreement submitted recently to the City Council on behalf of the common activated sludge employed a the Rio de Flag Water Reclamation Project.
Representing the microorganisms is the law firm of Dewey, Skrume and Howe. Citing the role sludge microorganisms play in the daily reclamation of 4 million gallons of wastewater, Mr. Skrome told this reporter, “As city employees, these microorganisms have been ignored for years. If the city wants to avoid a strike by these little guys, then I suggest they take a close look at what’s on the table.”
A Collective Bargaining Agreement Between the City of Flagstaff and the Common Activated Sludge Microorganisms Union (CASMU)
That in order to increase the general efficiency and maintain the existing harmonious relationship between the city and the bacteria, fungi, protozoa, and rotifers employed as activated sludge microorganisms at the Rio de Flag Water Reclamation Plant, it is hereby agreed as follows:
Article I. Recognition
Section 1.0. The City hereby recognizes CASMU as the sole and exclusive bargaining agent with respect to wages, hours, and conditions of employment for all bacteria, fungi, protozoa and rotifers, as certified by the Board of Labor Relations.
Article II. Hours of Work, Overtime and Premium Pay
Section 2.0. The normal days of work shall be Monday through Sunday. Plant operators will set individual hours. A single-cell organism may work a flexible schedule with the approval of a multi-cell organism. Further, the number of hours of work and the length of the work day for salaried protozoa shall be dictated by the time necessary to complete denitrification of incoming effluent.
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Section 2.1. Microorganisms covered by this Agreement are classified in two categories: aerobes and anaerobes. Aerobes will receive oxygen, computed at the rate of one and one-half times the volume required to sustain life. Anaerobes do not require oxygen and will not be so compensated.
Article III. Holidays
Section 3.0. Activated sludge microorganisms do not celebrate holidays.
Article IV. Vacations
Section 4.0. Activated sludge microorganisms do not take vacations.
Article V. Disciplinary Procedures
Section 5.0. The city supports a fair and progressive disciplinary process for all microorganisms. All disciplinary actions shall be applied in a fair manner and shall not be inconsistenet with the infraction for which the action is warranted.
Section 5.1. Progressive disciplinary action shall proceed as follows: oral warning; written warning; deprivation of oxygen for aerobic microorganisms, exposure to direct sunlight for anerobic microorganisms; discharge with secondary effluent.
Article VI. Pension
Section 6.0. All commonly activated sludge microorganisms employed at the Rio de Flag Water Reclamation plant, including bacteria, fungi, protozoa, and rotifers, shall be eligible for city-employee pension benefits. For as long as they live, the city guarantees to keep them in the dark and feed them effluent.
Happy Thanksgiving, dear readers.