A Performance from the Pipe Major

Andrew Fusco the pipe major of the Las Vegas Pipe Band performs Saturday morning during the annual Celtic Festival at Fort Tuthill.

An Irishman was struggling to find a parking space at the Arizona Highland Celtic Festival this weekend. “Lord,” he prayed. “I can’t stand it. If you open up a space for me, I swear I’ll give up the Guinness and go to Mass every Sunday.” Suddenly, the clouds parted and the sun shone on an empty parking space. The Irishman said, “Never mind, Lord. I found one.”

An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, and a Scotsman were captured fighting in a distant country. They were condemned to death by firing squad. They were each asked if they had a final request. The Englishman said, “I’d love to hear ‘God Save the Queen’ sung by the London All Boys Choir, with Morris Dancers dancing to the tune.” The Irishman said, “I’d love to hear ‘Danny Boy’ just one more time, sung in the style of Daniel O’Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.” The Welshman said, “I’d like to hear ‘Men of Harlech,’ sung by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.”

The Scotsman said, “I’d like to be shot first.”

Two Irishmen were sitting in a four-engine plane flying back from a shopping trip to Paris when the pilot announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There’s nothing to worry about, but we’ll be fifteen minutes late arriving at Gatwick.” Five minutes later he announced, “We’ve lost a second engine, but there’s nothing to worry about. Our arrival will be delayed an hour.” Shorty thereafter, the pilot announced, “we lost engine number three. We will be two hours late arriving.” One of the Irishman said to the other, “At this rate, if another engine fails, we’ll be here all night.”

When the Maître d’ seated the Scotsman and his wife, he asked them, “Are you here for a special occasion?” The Scotsman replied, “Yes. We won Third Prize in the annual Robert Burns contest—a haggis dinner for two.” The Maître d’ asked, “What were the other prizes?” The Scotsman replied, “Second Prize was one haggis dinner, and if you won first prize, you didn’t have to eat the haggis.”

A sobbing Mrs. Murphy approached father O’Grady after mass. The priest asked her, “What is troubling you?” She replied, “Oh, Father, I’ve terrible news. My husband passed away last night.” The Priest said, “My dear Mary, that is terrible. “Did he have any last requests?” She said, “Certainly, Father. He said, ‘Please Mary, put down that gun.’”

A Scotsman applied to join the NYPD. The recruiter decided to quiz the applicant. “How would you disperse a large, unruly crowd?” The Scotsman replied, "Well, I’m not sure how you do it in New York, but in Aberdeen we just pass the hat around, and they soon begin to shuffle off.”

Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who, while heading out the door to the pub, turned to his wife and said, “My dear lassie, put on your coat and hat.” She said, “Aren’t you sweet. Are you taking me to the pub with you?” No,” said her husband, “I’m switching off the heat while I’m gone.”

The 22nd Annual Arizona Highland Celtic Festival continues today, 9 a.m. to 4 p.m. at Fort Tuthill County Park. For more information, visit nachs.info/festival.shtml.

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