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Masters of Brewtality: A completely real fortune reading with Madame Lazonga

Masters of Brewtality: A completely real fortune reading with Madame Lazonga

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The staff down here in the Masters of Brewtality crypt is as varied as it is weird. We’ve got ghosts, ghouls, goblins and all sorts of freaks and geeks, but one of our favorite personalities is the infamous and clairvoyant Madame Lazonga. Legend has it she arrived at the ossuary gates at midnight during a Hunter’s Moon in a black carriage with nothing more than a crystal ball and a case of strong beers from the most remote monasteries in Belgium. We loved her immediately, even if she did have the uncomfortable habit of pointing a crooked finger at passersby and screeching that she could feel impending doom upon them. 

This month, we brought a few shillings and a crowler into her caravan in exchange for a gaze into the murky smoke of her ball and a prediction of craft beer trends in the year 2020. What follows should be taken as nothing less than exact, grim prophecy. Prepare yourselves, folks. Things aren’t looking good.

Madame Lazonga: Within the mystical smoke, I foresee a continued unholy bastardization of one of the world’s best foods. First, there was pho. Then, hipster cooks in the Bay Area made the Pho-ritto, the combination of burritos and pho that no one asked for. Immediately afterward, a recipe for pho pizza circulated the internet because nothing is sacred anymore. In the year 2020, we will see the emergence of pho-flavored beer and it will be way better than you’d think, but you’ll never be able to admit it to anyone because it’s just too absurd.

Masters of Brewtality: That’s pretty weird. But, we beseech you, Madame Lazonga, what else do you see?

The next trend in craft beer will be a hideous escalation of a pretty reasonable idea to upcycle old Christmas trees into spruce flavored beer. We will see the emergence of Christmas ornament flavored beer. It will have strong notes of broken glass and glitter.

And, as condom usage continues to decline, the year 2020 will bring about a line of beer that changes color based on the drinker's sexually transmitted diseases. If it turns green, they have gonorrhea and so forth. It’s going to be big with the Tinder crowd, mark my words.

Honestly, nothing about that seems possible. And it’s really gross.

The wisdom of the crystal is now showing a session beer so low in ABV, it actually saps the alcohol from the drinker. The fools thought this ridiculous attempt at drinking without getting drunk would have no consequences and they will curse the day they ever opened a can of anything under 5 percent. The beer gods did not take kindly to their blasphemy.

That doesn’t even make sense.

And where Hello Kitty and Beck’s first infused fruit flavor into their beer in an obvious effort to entice children to their product, so too shall Gerber start producing beer for babies. They will release beer takes on all of their classics: bananas, carrots, peas and sweet potatoes. It will be a goldmine.

Really?

The clouds of the future in this ball continue to part. I foresee a step up from ghost pepper flavored beer into full-on pepper spray beer. The catchphrase will be, “Mmm, incapacitating,” and it will do wonders for women sick of getting hit on by total creeps. 

This is a load of crap.  

I see, I see. In an effort to piggyback on the success of the Brewdog super-strong ale sold in taxidermied squirrels, there will be a beer sold in a live animal, like a pot-belly pig or something like that. You just shake it or squeeze it enough and eventually it will give up the sweet, sweet beer that lies within its belly. It will undoubtedly be a stout or porter as those are generally still good when served at body temperature.

Being completely straight, that’s the most impossible marketing gimmick we’ve ever heard. There is no way that would happen.

Beer made with yeast harvested from beards is out, and beer made with actual beards will be in. Brewers nationwide will shave their epic face warmers, blend them down to a gritty slurry and ferment them. It will taste terrible, but will sell terrifically in Portland, Austin, San Francisco, Brooklyn, Ashville, Boise and Flagstaff.    

OK, this is about enough.

And fentanyl beer—the next big thing in brewing will be fentanyl beer, but it will be marketed as heroin beer, so beware.

At this point, we made a mad dash for the door before the frail sanity that we cling to down here in the crypt was completely ripped in two. Sometimes it's better to not know.

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