I was moving some boxes around in my garage and discovered in one of them a handful of my notebooks from my undergraduate education way back when at the Biloxi School of Bartending. With the local college academic year about to commence, I thought it appropriate to share some of the wisdom contained in these musty notebooks.

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.—Mark Twain

You know there’s a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R’s only one begins with “R.”—Dennis Miller

If you’re truly serious about preparing your child for the future, don’t teach him to subtract — teach him to deduct.—Fran Lebowitz

When I was at school I was great at history . . . oh, wait, no I wasn’t.—Stewart Francis

I won’t say we had a tough school, but we had our own coroner.—Lenny Bruce

My school was so tough the school newspaper had an obituary section.—Norm Crosby

Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income . . . which he then spends sending his son to college.—Bill Vaughn

Education: What you have left over when you subtract what you’ve forgotten from what you learned.—Anonymous

If written directions alone would suffice, libraries wouldn’t need to have the rest of the universities attached.—Judith Martin

Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge . . . others only gargle.—Woody Allen

A child can be taught not to do certain things, such as touch a hot stove, pull lamps off the table and wake Mommy before noon.—Joan Rivers

I read Shakespeare and the Bible and I can shoot dice; that’s what I call a liberal education.—Tallulah Bankhead

It’s a miracle that curiosity survives a formal education.—Albert Einstein

I never did very well in math—I could never seem to persuade the teacher that I hadn’t meant my answers literally.—Calvin Trillin

Experience is what you get when you don’t get what you wanted.—Ann Landers

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For every person wishing to teach, there a thirty not wanting to be taught.—W. C. Sellar

If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.—Fifth Law of Applied Terror

We all learn from experience, but some of us have to go to summer school.—Peter De Vries

Education is the process of moving from cocksure ignorance to thoughtful uncertainty.—Utvich’s Observation

Anatomy: a class that sounds vaguely risqué until you find out what it really involves.—Anonymous

College is a place to keep warm between high school and an erly marriage.—George Gobel

Money enables a man to get along without an education, and an education allows him to get along without money.—Marcelene Cox

I started wearing glasses, and people started saying I looked smart and I’m like, huh? . . . I didn’t go to Harvard, I went to Lens Crafters.—Kyle Grooms

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