Nothing says holiday like a cheese log.—Ellen Degeneres

For Christmas this year, try giving less. Start with less attitude. There’s more than enough of that in the world as it is—and people will usually just give it back anyway!—Anne Bristow

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.—Garrison Keillor

That’s the true spirit of Christmas: people being helped by people other than me.—Jerry Seinfeld

Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of a child, they are all 30 feet tall.—Larry Wilde

Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa?—Matt Groening

Santa wears a red suit, he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, he must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe he’s smoking?—Arlo Guthrie

I bought my brother some gift wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.—Steven Wright

Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gift with next year’s money.—Author Unknown

Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.—Andy Borowitz

A good holiday is one spent among people whose notions of time are vaguer than yours.—John B. Priestly

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.—Louis C.K.

As we struggle with shopping lists, compounded by December’s bad weather, it is good to be reminded that there are people in our lives who are worth this aggravation, and people to whom we are worth the same.—Donald E. Westlake

Probably the reason we all go so haywire at Christmas time with the endless unrestrained and often silly buying of gifts is that we don’t quite know how to put our love into words.—Harlan Miller

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I left Santa gluten-free cookies and organic soy milk and he put a solar panel in my stocking.—Author Unknown

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for work the next day.—Phyllis Diller

If you can’t wrap Christmas presents well, at least make it look like they put up a good fight.—Author Unknown

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and virgin.—Jay Leno

Sending Christmas cards is a good way to let your friends and family know that you think they’re worth the price of a stamp.—Melanie White

My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we’re having a change. We’re going to let her in.—Les Dawson

One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don’t clean it up too quickly.—Andy Rooney

Merry Christmas, dear reader!


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