If you ever feel like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to the state fair.—Jeff Foxworthy

Family reunions are when relatives gather from all over to be reminded why they scattered in the first place.—Alfred E. Neuman

Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents’ shortcomings.—Dr. Laurence J. Peter

You know, it was only after my father showed me what I would inherit that I struggled to keep him alive.—Simon Munnery

As my mother used to say, “You’ll get unconditional love from me when you’ve earned it.”—Drew Hastings

Everyone talks about dead-beat dads; what about the kids who just aren’t worth the child support?—David Feldman

I have seen my children struggle into the kitchen with outfits that need only one accessory . . . an empty gin bottle.—Erma Bombeck

I have given two cousins to war and I stand ready to sacrifice my wife’s brother.—Artemus Ward

If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother.—Wynonna Judd

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?—Jeff Foxworthy

The only thing I said to my parents when I was a teenager was, “Hang up, I got it.”—Carol Liefer

Birth control that really works — every night before we go to bed we spend an hour with our kids.—Roseanne Barr

My parents had only one argument in 45 years; it lasted 42 years.—Cathy Ladman

Don’t be discouraged if your children do not heed your advice; years later they will offer it to their offspring.—Anonymous

When my parents divorced, there was a custody fight over me . . . no one showed up.—Rodney Dangerfield

My mum’s so pessimistic, if there was an Olympics for pessimism . . . she wouldn’t fancy her chances.—Nish Kumar

Giving away baby clothes and nursery furniture is a major cause of pregnancy.—Esther Selson

My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law.—Jerry Seinfeld

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I actually adopted a baby. I wanted a highway, but there was a lot of red tape.—Margaret Smith

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.—Ray Romano

My wife and I decided we don’t want children; if someone wants them, we’ll drop them off tomorrow.—Stewart Francis

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.--Robert Orben

I want my kids to have all the things I could afford . . . then I want to move in with them.—Phyllis Diller

There is a special bathroom in heaven for the fathers of girls.—Tommy Birch

A lot of people would rather tour sewers than visit their cousins.—Jane Howard

Men will now get up and walk with the baby in the middle of the night, change its diapers, and give it a bottle, but in their hearts they still think they shouldn’t have to.--Rita Rudner

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