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A community orchestra was plagued by attendance problems. Several musicians were absent at each rehearsal. As a matter of fact, every player in the orchestra had missed several rehearsals, except for one faithful oboe player. Finally, as the dress rehearsal drew to a close, the conductor took a moment to thank the oboist for her faithful attendance. She humbly responded, “It’s the least I could do because I won’t be at the performance.”

He played like he was in jail—behind a few bars and couldn’t find the key.--Anonymous

Music is the only language in which you cannot say a mean or sarcastic thing.—Lord Erskine

I don’t know anything about music. In my line, you don’t have to. —Elvis Presley

I can’t listen to Wagner much. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.—Woody Allen

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else. —Lily Tomlin

Without music life is a journey through a desert. —Pat Conroy

Trying to explain music is like trying to dance architecture. —Thelonious Monk

There is no music in Hell. —Douglas Callister

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A vocalist.

I have my own particular sorrows, loves, delights; and you have yours. But sorrow, gladness, yearning, hope, love, belong to all of us, in all times and in all places. Music is the only means whereby we feel these emotions in their universality. —H. A. Overstreet

The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays “Helter Skelter.” —Steven Wright

After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music. —Aldous Huxley

The musician who always plays on the same string is laughed at. —Horace

It’s easy to play a musical instrument: all you have to do is touch the right key at the right time and the instrument will play itself. —J. S. Bach

Without music to decorate it, time is just a bunch of boring production deadlines or dates by which bills must be paid. —Frank Zappa

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The English may not love music, but they absolutely love the noise it makes.—Thomas Beccham

I have no problem not listening to “The Temptations.” —Mitch Hedberg

The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion. —Fred Allen

Those who dance are considered insane by those who can’t hear the music.—George Carlin

There are more bad musicians than there is bad music. —Isaac Stern

I know Muzak makes chickens lay more eggs and factory workers produce more, but how much more can they get out of you in an elevator? —Victor Borge

What do you say to a banjo player in a three-piece suit? Will the defendant please rise . . .

What’s the definition of a gentleman? Someone who knows how to play the drums, but doesn’t.

When buying a used car, punch the buttons on the radio. If all the stations are rock and roll, there’s a good chance the transmission is shot. —Larry Lujack

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